New Orleans Queen

Jun 30, '08 11:12 PM
for everyone

I can remember my childhood as if it were yesterday. Not sure why I feel these things so strongly today but I can remember the day my soul felt like it died...

It was report card day. I was always a good student. I tried my best to get good grades because I knew that would take me higher than my sisters. It wouldn't give my dad a reason to criticize me about anything. Well, I went in the room where he was and my older sister had already shown hers. She got all C's.. My dad said "that's good." Well damn hers was good so I knew he would do a flip in the air when he saw mine! I gave him mine with this big ass grin... so excited... He said "how the hell you get a B in history!" He put my report card on the table and said I needed to do better. All A's and a B? How much better could I have gotten.

I left the report card there because at that point it really didn't matter. I knew then I could never please this man. As hard as I tried he never liked me. I never did anything wrong. I wasn't unruly like my oldest sister or spoiled like my little sister so it always left me wondering why was I the black sheep....

Tags: journal

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7 CommentsChronological Reverse Threaded

fabulousbebe wrote on Jun 30

have you ever talked to your dad about this?

midwestchick wrote on Jul 1

i think your dad knew you were capable of straight A's...and he WANTED you to get them in everything. while his heart was in the right place, the delivery was all wrong.

if it is possible, i agree with bebe, talk to him.

neworleans wrote on Jul 1

fabulousbebe said

have you ever talked to your dad about this?

Unfortunately my dad passed away after Hurricane Katrina. I spent a lifetime being angry, knowing he would never admit to it but I am thankful that I let go and gave him to God.

kimmyjustlikeesther wrote on Jul 1

Let me start by saying, I'm sorry for your lost.

You know there are somethings we will never understand, but we have to survive everything. You survived your father's persecution towards you, and by the way, my dad is the same way. Right now he lives 2hrs. away from me, and I haven't seen him in 5years. We never really had a relationship, because of some the same issues that you and your dad have. As a Christian, I am taught to forgive. I forgive my dad, because that is all I can do. When you forgive someone it releases you and your prayers are not hindered. The Lord tells us that when we come to Him in prayer and we find that we have something against someone, then we should leave our prayer at the altar and go fix whatever is wrong with us and the other person. Sometimes fixing it is just a matter of letting people be who they are, forgivng them their tresspass against you, and moving on. I know, sometimes easier said that done right? Well, the Word of God tells us to speak those things that have not come to past as though they have. Does this mean you are lying when you say you forgive someone but you don't feel in your heart that you have? No. It simply means that you have the faith to believe that God's word is true and you can trust Him to bring it to pass in your heart. We live by faith not by sight, or by feelings. Feelings are subject to change, because they are based on circumstances, and circumstances are always changing. What your father did to you was wrong, but forgive him so that you can live free. One of the best things you can do for you and your children is exercise constant forgiveness. When we forgive, we break cycles, and the yoke that comes from unforgiveness. Since your father is deceased, simply get alone and ask God to help you while you call out to your dad (this is for you, not him. The dead cannot hear you. They are not there with you, contrary to what we have been told.) and tell him how and what things he did that hurt you, and then tell him, but I forgive you. Because God forgave me. God will release you and you will have a much happier life.
God bless and much love.
Kim

bigdaddycc wrote on Jul 1

I read all 4 parts and I dont really know what to say, other than since I have known you, you have been a top notched person, I think you worry too much about what others thinks, you only have to answer to yourdsefl.

neworleans wrote on Jul 1

Hi Kim,

It's funny because I prayed so hard and so long for change in my life and I prayed for an answer that I didn't recieve. I guess I'll never recieve now. I even prayed that he made it to Heaven because he would never step foot in a church. He would always say God never did anything for him. I used to wonder why my mom married him....

neworleans wrote on Jul 1

Bigdaddy I don't really think my issue is what people think but I think it's trying to unmask the pain. At least that is what I think it is.

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